OBSESSED love addicts
cannot let go of someone they love even if their partner is:
unavailable emotionally or sexually
afraid to commit
unable to communicate
unloving
distant
abusive
controlling and dictatorial
ego-centric
selfish
addicted to something outside the relationship (work, hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc.)
CODEPENDENT love addicts
From a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. This includes enabling, rescuing, care-taking passive-aggressive controlling, and accepting neglect or abuse.
RELATIONSHIP addicts
unlike other love addicts, they are no longer in love with their partners but still cannot let go. Usually, they are so unhappy that the relationship affects their health, spirit and emotional well being. Even if their partner batters them, and they are in danger, they cannot let go. They are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of change. They do not want to hurt or abandon their partners. This can be summed up as “I hate you, don’t leave me.”
NARCISSISTIC love addicts
use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners. They appear aloof and unconcerned until you leave them. Then they panic and use anything at their disposal to hold on to the relationship, including violence.
AMBIVALENT love addicts
suffer from avoidant personality disorder. They don't have hard time letting go; they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. They also come in different forms, listed below.
Torch bearers are ambivalent love addicts who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some Torch Bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. It is also known as unrequited love.
Saboteurs are ambivalent love addicts who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime, before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up, whenever.
Seductive withholders are ambivalent love addicts who always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become frightened, or feel unsafe, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship when they become frightened, they are just Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable, they are seductive withholders.
Romance addicts are ambivalent love addicts who are sometimes addicted to multiple partners. Romance addicts are often confused with sex addicts. However, unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, romance addicts bond with each of their partners, to one degree or another, even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived or happening simultaneously. By “romance” we mean sexual passion and pseudo-emotional intimacy. Please note that while romance addicts bond with each of their partners to a degree, their goal (besides getting high off of romance and drama) is to avoid commitment or bonding on a deeper level with one partner.
Not all love avoidants are love addicts. If you accept your fear of intimacy and social situations, and do not get hooked on unavailable people, or just keep your social circle small and unthreatening you are not necessarily an ambivalent love addict. But if you eat your heart out over some unavailable person year after year, or sabotage one relationship after another, or have serial romantic affairs, or only feel close when you are with another avoidant, you may be an Ambivalent Love Addict.
- adapted from LAA website by Susan Peabody
