"It works when you work it."
To recover, love addicts must change how they think and behave.
These are the 12 essential RECOVERY TOOLS:
1. ADMIT honestly that you are a love addict. (Step 1)
2. SOBRIETY
3. MEETINGS
4. SPONSORSHIP
5. STEPS
6. SPIRITUALITY
7. SERVICE
8. MEDITATION
9. GRATITUDE
10. SELF-LOVE
11. COMFORTING INNER CHILD
12. LITERATURE & VIDEOS
1. Honestly ADMIT that you are a love addict.
(Step 1)
2. SOBRIETY - Define your own personal
bottom-line addictive behaviour(s) and become willing to stop acting out on a daily
basis.
Bottom line
behaviors are all behaviors that endanger our sobriety,
such as staying
in an unhealthy relationship or continuing contact with former partner from an
unhealthy relationship.
In the case of
addiction to a person, "no contact" is necessary.
Most common
bottom line behaviour for love addicts is "no contact with former
partner" or toxic relationship.
Addictive lover
for a love addict is the same as alcohol for alcoholic, permanently excluded.
In Alcoholics
Anonymous recommendation is to stop drinking, discard all alcohol from
environment, stop buying alcohol, stop going to places where alcohol is
available, etc.
In LAA it is
recommended to start with "90 days abstinence = no contact" with all
persons of romantically preferred gender.
For example,
for heterosexuals that means no contact with people of opposite gender;
for
homosexuals, no contact with those of the same gender, etc.
Exceptions are
relatives or inevitable coworkers/clients.
No going to any
kind of social events where they may be, like:
parties,
dancing, bars, clubs, etc.,
No dating, no
online dating, no blind dates, etc.
Also, included
are former addictive partners or toxic, unhealthy relationships.
Some LAs choose
to inform former addictive lovers that they will not be available any more for
any kind of communication and ask them to discontinue contacting them in any
way.
"No
contact" means no contact in person, by phone, text, email, social media,
etc., including viewing past communication or social media sites, viewing
photos, etc., avoiding places where former addictive lover may be, etc.
Further more,
blocking former addictive lover from communicating with us by phone, text,
email, social media, etc.
Deleting all of
their messages and communications, photos, etc.
Abstinence may
seem like loss of freedom or restriction of freedom.
Actually, as
addicts, we are enslaved to our addiction.
Since
abstinence frees us from addiction,
abstinence
actually leads us to freedom.
After 90 days
abstinence, most LAs choose to have no-contact with former addictive lovers as
their bottom line behaviour.
Addictive lover
for a love addict is the same as alcohol for alcoholic: bottom line behaviour,
permanently excluded.
When we are
healthy enough, we are ready for healthy relationship and we are attracted to
healthy people.
The purpose of
abstinence is to remove all the "painkillers" or the unhealthy coping mechanisms which we have
invented to reduce our childhood pain of feeling unloved, hurt, not good
enough, etc. and "facing our demons".
That will
facilitate us feeling our suppressed pains fully and releasing the pains once
they are fully felt.
Also,
abstinence facilitates learning self love, while the unhealthy coping
mechanisms are absent.
3. MEETINGS - Attending all LAA meetings, plus
as many other meetings as possible. Ideally 90 meetings in 90 days. Beside LAA
meetings also: ACA, CODA, SLAA, EA, open AA meetings, AlAnon, Neurotics
Anonymous, etc.
4. SPONSORSHIP -
Get a sponsor or pair up with another recovering love addict. Preferably
same gender for heterosexual people and opposite gender for homosexual people.
5. STEPS - Practice the Twelve Step program of
recovery to achieve emotional sobriety.
6. SPIRITUALITY - develop a relationship with a
power greater then ourselves, however we wish to define that power (our own
higher self, our own intuition, our group, our God, etc.)
7. SERVICE - Our giving back to the L.A.A.
community what we continue to freely receive, helping with meetings, supporting
other LAs, etc.
8. MEDITATION
daily about 20 minutes
9. GRATITUDE -
express gratitude for all you have today that you still wish to have tomorrow
10. SELF - LOVE
- develop self love, for example using mirror work and our own childhood photos
of ourselves
11. COMFORTING
INNER CHILD
12. LITERATURE
& VIDEOS on you tube etc.
As a sponsor, I
personally work with people who:
1. are very
dedicated to their healing and recovery and willing to invest equal amount of
time and effort into their healing and recovery as they used to invest into
their addiction, which is often search for parental love and trying to have our
unmet childhood needs finally met.
2. abstain from
their bottom line behaviour
(most commonly
that means no contact with all former partners and toxic relationships)
3. attend all
our LAA Toronto MEETINGS
4. SPONSORSHIP - have excellent communication
skills,
meaning they
reply to all communications and questions from their sponsor
5. follow all
recommendations, both 12 Step Program recommendations in general and sponsor's
personal recommendations (which are developing and nurturing daily:
1. gratitude,
2. self love and 3. ability to comfort our inner child, etc.)
6. daily read
LITERATURE recommended below
7. SERVICE -
helping at meetings
8. MEDITATE
daily
9. express
GRATITUDE for everything you have today, that you still wish to have tomorrow
10. Spend few
minutes per day doing following MIRROR WORK:
uninterrupted
loving focused looking into our own eyes,
without gazing
away, without analyzing facial features,
while
expressing unconditional self-love and all you wish to have heard parents or partners
or anybody else say now or in the past.
Since eyes are
the windows of the soul, when we look into our eyes, we look into our soul.
When we talk
and look into eyes, we speak straight to the soul.
There are lots
of great videos about self love, etc. on YouTube.
11. COMFORTING
INNER CHILD
Look into
childhood photo and show and tell your inner child all it needed to hear and
experience in childhood: love, comfort, compassion, etc.
When we feel
lonely, for example, it's often suppressed childhood memory, rather than
current feeling. Acknowledge that feeling, feel it fully without suppressing it
or avoiding it or looking for comfort outside instead.
SO EVERY DAY
SPONSEE WRITES AN EMAIL TO SPONSOR CONTAINING THESE 15 POINTS:
1. sobriety day
is written in email’s subject. Example: “Day 1”
2. expressing
how they are feeling
3. describing
briefly what they are doing that day as expression of self love
4. stating how
many minutes they did mirror work
5. stating how
many minutes they meditated (20 minutes at least)
6. stating
which LAA recommended literature they are reading or listening on YouTube
(GRATITUDE: at
least 3 things you are grateful for. Be specific or general, but genuine)
7. I am
grateful for my wonderful life!
8. I am
grateful for my excellent health!
9. I am
grateful for my constant growth!
(SELF LOVE
USING MIRROR WORK
Sponsee looks
in the mirror and address themselves by first name or loving nickname:)
10. I love you,
(your name)! I really, really love you and I accept you just the way you are!
11. I love your
… (any physical attribute you genuinely love about yourself)
12. I love your
… (any non-physical attribute you genuinely love about yourself)
(COMFORTING
INNER CHILD
Ideally,
looking at childhood photo (or imagining ourselves as a child) with comforting
words, hugs or caresses, such as:)
13. Dear sweet
little (your name), you are in lots of pain…
14. I
understand how much it hurts when…
15. It was
scary when… etc., etc.
Saying it out
loud and writing it out is very therapeutic.
Please, do not
copy-and-paste as that is not therapeutic, but just waste of time.
Also, these are
to be done whenever we feel lonely or unloved or we miss or wish to contact
object of our addiction, etc.
11. RECOMMENDED
LITERATURE and also videos available on YouTube:
Susan Peabody:
"Addiction to Love"
Howard Halpern:
"How to Break Your Addiction to a Person"
Pia Mellody:
all books
Melodie
Beattie: all books
John Bradshaw:
all books
Louise Hay: all
books
John Gray: all
books
Teal Swan: all
books
Gary D.
Chapman: "The Five Love Languages"
Arthur Janov:
"Primal Scream", all books
Joan Liedloff:
Continuum Concept
Even though
some literature is gender specific,
they are often
applicable to any gender.
Sherry Argov:
"Why Men Love Bitches", "Why Men Marry Bitches"
Greg Behrendt
& Liz Tuccillo: "He's Just Not That Into You"
Ellen Fein & Sherrie
Schneider: "The Rules" (all books)
Robin Norwood: “Women
Who Love Too Much"